


Not Really Here

by MissReylo



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Ilness TW, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 08:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10783581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissReylo/pseuds/MissReylo
Summary: He wouldn´t love you if he knew how crazy you were. TRIGGER WARNING: Mental Illness, Mental Breakdown





	Not Really Here

The door closes and the normal boom seems off, like it’s coming from far away. You close your eyes, trying to focus on where you are. Downstairs you can hear people talking, a ball going on.   
Is your maid still here?  
No she must have left. Off course, she was the one who closed the door. You open your eyes again and stare at the ceiling. Your whole body feels tight, is it your body? It doesn’t feel like it.   
You stand up from the bed and look around your bedroom. Everything is off. This room, which should be so familiar, feels so foreign to you. You cross the room, feeling thousands of eyes on you. In the mirror you study the pale fear stricken face staring back at you and you shudder.  
A ghost is staring at you.   
That’s you, the rational voice inside of you says, but it can’t be. That scared, little face can’t be you. You touch your face, and the girl in the mirror does the same. She’s mimicking you, acting like you, and that angers you.  
‘Stop that.’  You murmur. ‘Go away.’  
She opens her mouth just like you do.  
‘I told you to stop!’ You shout, taking the mirror from the wall and t It shattered in thousands of piece across the floor. At first, pleased that you had got rid of the mimicking girl you smiled, but then you realized that you were all alone.  
Nobody is going to help you now. You collaps on the floor, touching the pieces of glass and a wail comes out of your mouth.  
‘Come back, please, I’m sorry, I don’t want to alone!’  You sob. But the girl is no longer there.   
The door opens and you’re parents are there, your maid and your courter Gilbert.  
You look up, holding up the pieces off glass. ‘I killed her! I killed her.’  You shriek, floating. You close your eyes when Gilberts arms are around you, at first comforting but then you are floating, it’s impossible to come back, everything’s black and you are trashing and screaming in his arms.  
‘Close the door, Jeanne.’ Your father tells your maid from far away and your mother’s warm hands are on your head, stroking your hair.  
‘G-illbeert!’ You cry, trying so hard to come back to earth.   
‘Calm down, ma Cherie.’ Gilbert murmurs in your ear. ‘I’m here.’   
There are too many things going on, too many things inside your mind, you’re falling and screaming and eventually you calm down, and you’re like a rag doll in Gilbert’s arms, trying to breathe properly.  
Survive, survive  
‘Get her into bed, Jeanne.’  Your mother says and Gilbert carries you to your bed while Jeanne get’s your nightgown and a bowl filled with water and a towel. You’re whole body feels limp and you hold onto Gilbert like dear life.  
Then Gilbert disappears with your parents and only Jeanne stays, undressing you softly and washing you, helping you in you’re white nightgown.  
‘Where’s Gilbert?‘  You ask weakly.   
'Probably back to the party, miss.’ She says, brushing your hair. 'It’s all right, miss. You can cry.’  
And the tears come again. So now Gilbert knows your secret. You’re terribly crazy. You believe that your reflection isn’t there, you believe that you’re not really here. You’re hysterical.   
He’ll probably stop courting you. He’ll leave you and go to that perfect Anne with her thick blonde hair and her big ball gowns and her toothy smile. At least she isn’t crazy.  
Jeanne tucks you in bed, wiping away your tears motherly and then someone knocks on the door. Jeanne goes and you sigh, feeling terrible.  
Gilbert comes in and sits down on your bed, taking your soft hand in his.  
‘Are you all right, ma Cherie?’ He asks caringly. Jeanne is across the room, cleaning up the mess you made. She’ll have to stay, it would not be proper for a man to be in a bedroom with a young girl alone.  
‘Yes.’ You whisper. ‘ Are you here to tell me that you want to stop courting?’  
He looks shocked and strokes away your hair. ‘No, mon amour, what makes you think that?’  
‘I’m crazy.’ You say softly.  
‘Merde! You’re not. J’taime. J’taime. Always.’ Gilbert whispers to you. ‘It does not matter. It shattered my heart to see you like that. I want to help you, mon amour.’  
‘You love me?’ You ask softly. ‘You still do?’  
‘J’taime.’ Gilbert promises and kisses your hand.   
‘Gilbert?’ You ask. ‘Will you stay with me until I go to sleep?’    
He nods and exhaustion and insane happiness takes over you and you fall in sleep almost immediately, letting everything go soothingly black.


End file.
